Protein is NOT my friend

     This past week has been a little bit better for me overall. I received a sample pack of protein. I also purchased something called PB2 which is a powdered peanut butter that has 85% less calories than regular peanut butter. I used some of the samples I bought. I tried chocolate with the PB2 and the vanilla with the PB2. Both I mixed with skim milk. Each shake has 231 calories and 34 grams of protein. Since I can only digest 25 grams of protein at once. I split this into two sittings. I have also tried refried beans with salsa. Deviled eggs and of course my soups. I have still yet to have any nausea from foods. On average I am consuming about 400-600 calories a day. 

     I am not getting in the recommended amount of protein per day. My goal is 70-100 grams a day. Once I am able to eat meat, I think this will get easier. Until then I have to drink as many protein shakes as possible. Which is a lot of money for the good stuff! Drinking from a straw is not recommended, but I ask my PA if it was ok. She told me to proceed with caution. Having the straw makes it a heck of a lot easier to consume the shakes and the 64 ounces of fluids I am required to take in daily! 

     The hardest thing about this all is that I am not hungry...ever! So I have to force myself to drink and eat all the time. I was so excited to eat the refried beans. The first bite was amazing... Then after the third, I was done. Which these were small bites. When I am eating the more solid foods I can only consume a very small amount. Not that I feel full, because not sure you can feel full if you were never hungry to begin with. But just don't want to eat. 

     I went to a potluck the other day with my co-workers. I made chicken enchiladas, rice and beans. There was a ton of food there! I fixed Noah a plate and fed him all of the things I knew he would eat. He ate enchiladas, rice, corn and black bean salsa, watermelon, deviled eggs, potato salad, and fried chicken. While looking at the food on this plate in front of me, I had absolutely no desire to eat any of it. I ate a deviled egg and a few small bites of watermelon, but that was only because I knew I needed to eat something and that was the only thing there I could eat. I have cooked for Noah and again, have no desire to eat anything. 

     Now when I see a papa johns or Pizza Hut sign, my mouth does water for a quick second and for a moment I think, that would taste so good. But it quickly passes. I think I am starting to grasp the importance of the food I choose to eat. I look for protein, protein, protein. If I have to eat, it has to be protein. 

     I have joined the YMCA. I have looked at the schedule of classes and that is what I will start off with. Yes I know water aerobics is typically for old people that have joint issues, but I enjoy it. It is a low impact exercise that does get your heart going. I do have joint pain, so this is ideal for me. I will also plan to do the Zumba classes. I know it will be fun and I also know it is a workout for sure. I have another week of "taking it easy" so no Zumba until then. I will leave school, go get Noah, go to the gym and drip him off in child watch and workout for 1-2 hours. So this will leave me maybe an hour with my son most days. Which totally totally sucks! But, this is only for now.... If I get in shape and lose this weight we will be able to do a lot more together later on in life, when he can remember it and enjoy it! 

     Thanks again to everyone that is supporting me through this journey. Writing in this blog helps me a lot. Just keep praying for us! School starts back  in a week! At that point I will be full force into my routine. I won't have a lot of time to blog or visit with anyone. That is the life of a nursing student in general, but then you add that I am a single mom and going through this weight loss, I will be virtually invisible. So if you want to talk or visit, meet me at the gym! 

Tears

     It seems as if it has been forever since I have posted something! So much can happen in just a few days. I have had ups and downs this first week post-op. Alot of self-reflection has happened.

     Protein is not my friend. Most everything I have tasted is completely disgusting and I would puke before I got through a whole serving. I am still consuming the protein shots. They are little 3oz bottles of fruit punch flavored syrup that has 26 grams of protein. I drink three of those a day. I chase them with crystal light fruit punch. I have ordered some samples of more fruity protein and some unflavored. Hopefully, I find something that I can tolerate. 

     I had a melt down on Wednesday. I went to purchase some protein shakes from GNC. I am greeted by this 6'2" guy, who obviously works out to build muscle. We attempted a convo about protein. He had no clue what I was going through and what I needed. I walked out with his suggestion and it was gross. Got home and after a week with no food, no ADHD meds and other stresses with my apartment, I lost it. I began to cry and had no control. All i really wanted to do was eat a pizza and did not even care if my stomach exploded. It was then I realized that normally I would have just eaten food and said screw this..I am eating whatever I want. I don't have food anymore. Food cannot be my comfort. I have to search for another outlet. My mom came over and again I cried some more. This is the weirdest felling in the world. I am not hungry, I don't have a desire to eat food. I would be completely satisfied with drinking nothing but water all day. I know that I have to take in protein though, so it is almost like I am having to force myself to eat. Which is completely opposite of my entire life. 

     The next day was much better. I went to my one week post-op appointment and had lost 13 lbs since surgery. So obviously I realized that my struggles were worth it and paying off. I got a clean report and have my one month on August 20th. I then found out that some miracles happened with our housing situation. Noah and I will most likely be moving into a two bedroom apartment with a dishwasher, central air, and a washer and dryer hook-up, all of which we do not have now. I was brought to tears again, but they were happy ones. 

     Today we went to Super Saturday at KET. This is our local PBS station. I got tired a little and had to take some meds but overall did rather well. Noah had an absolute blast. I knew that everyone else was going to want to get some food, so i had tried to prepare myself. Once I knew we were headed to a restaurant, for the first time i felt hungry. Which again another connection was made. My body was not physically hungry but my mind was starving. We then went to eat at a restaurant named Ramsey's. Emma's choice of course. I had never eaten there. I ordered a bowl of beef and mushroom soup. In which I only ate a few teaspoons of broth because it was too chunky. Noah had chicken n dumplins and I ate some broth from those. My mom had soup beans and I had a few bites of the soup. She also had some fried corn. Which was cut off the cob and fried with bacon and bacon grease... Between that and the pot roast and cornbread sticks.. I was a little jealous that I could not try it. I did well though. Normally I would have ordered half the menu because I would have wanted to try it all... Especially the Parmesan crusted deep friend corn on the cob! 

     I know the next few weeks are going to be a struggle for me mentally. I am excited to actually chew food and eat an egg! LOL I know once I am able to eat food, getting my protein won't be as much of a struggle. Until then I expect a few more melt downs. On the other hand I don't want to eat because I am losing weight. I just have to find the balance. I have bought some frozen Greek yogurt and it tasted like rotten milk. I am willing to try anything again. I just know that I need to make better choices for food and choose the ones that are going to get me the most protein. I will be looking into gym memberships next week.  Hopefully I can stay committed to an exercise program. It will be key to my weight loss.

     I have started to think more about my life as a smaller person. I saw a zip line tour on the way home and said to Noah.. We will be able to do that. Next summer I can go on a boat and not worry about how I am going to get back in after jumping in the lake. I am looking forward to being an active mom with Noah. Who knows we may eventually run a 5k together!