Tears

     It seems as if it has been forever since I have posted something! So much can happen in just a few days. I have had ups and downs this first week post-op. Alot of self-reflection has happened.

     Protein is not my friend. Most everything I have tasted is completely disgusting and I would puke before I got through a whole serving. I am still consuming the protein shots. They are little 3oz bottles of fruit punch flavored syrup that has 26 grams of protein. I drink three of those a day. I chase them with crystal light fruit punch. I have ordered some samples of more fruity protein and some unflavored. Hopefully, I find something that I can tolerate. 

     I had a melt down on Wednesday. I went to purchase some protein shakes from GNC. I am greeted by this 6'2" guy, who obviously works out to build muscle. We attempted a convo about protein. He had no clue what I was going through and what I needed. I walked out with his suggestion and it was gross. Got home and after a week with no food, no ADHD meds and other stresses with my apartment, I lost it. I began to cry and had no control. All i really wanted to do was eat a pizza and did not even care if my stomach exploded. It was then I realized that normally I would have just eaten food and said screw this..I am eating whatever I want. I don't have food anymore. Food cannot be my comfort. I have to search for another outlet. My mom came over and again I cried some more. This is the weirdest felling in the world. I am not hungry, I don't have a desire to eat food. I would be completely satisfied with drinking nothing but water all day. I know that I have to take in protein though, so it is almost like I am having to force myself to eat. Which is completely opposite of my entire life. 

     The next day was much better. I went to my one week post-op appointment and had lost 13 lbs since surgery. So obviously I realized that my struggles were worth it and paying off. I got a clean report and have my one month on August 20th. I then found out that some miracles happened with our housing situation. Noah and I will most likely be moving into a two bedroom apartment with a dishwasher, central air, and a washer and dryer hook-up, all of which we do not have now. I was brought to tears again, but they were happy ones. 

     Today we went to Super Saturday at KET. This is our local PBS station. I got tired a little and had to take some meds but overall did rather well. Noah had an absolute blast. I knew that everyone else was going to want to get some food, so i had tried to prepare myself. Once I knew we were headed to a restaurant, for the first time i felt hungry. Which again another connection was made. My body was not physically hungry but my mind was starving. We then went to eat at a restaurant named Ramsey's. Emma's choice of course. I had never eaten there. I ordered a bowl of beef and mushroom soup. In which I only ate a few teaspoons of broth because it was too chunky. Noah had chicken n dumplins and I ate some broth from those. My mom had soup beans and I had a few bites of the soup. She also had some fried corn. Which was cut off the cob and fried with bacon and bacon grease... Between that and the pot roast and cornbread sticks.. I was a little jealous that I could not try it. I did well though. Normally I would have ordered half the menu because I would have wanted to try it all... Especially the Parmesan crusted deep friend corn on the cob! 

     I know the next few weeks are going to be a struggle for me mentally. I am excited to actually chew food and eat an egg! LOL I know once I am able to eat food, getting my protein won't be as much of a struggle. Until then I expect a few more melt downs. On the other hand I don't want to eat because I am losing weight. I just have to find the balance. I have bought some frozen Greek yogurt and it tasted like rotten milk. I am willing to try anything again. I just know that I need to make better choices for food and choose the ones that are going to get me the most protein. I will be looking into gym memberships next week.  Hopefully I can stay committed to an exercise program. It will be key to my weight loss.

     I have started to think more about my life as a smaller person. I saw a zip line tour on the way home and said to Noah.. We will be able to do that. Next summer I can go on a boat and not worry about how I am going to get back in after jumping in the lake. I am looking forward to being an active mom with Noah. Who knows we may eventually run a 5k together!