Emotions

     As I sit here waiting to rub my abdomen down with surgical prep wipes, I figured I would spill a few emotions. This past few days have been really rough for me emotionally. I am coming to terms with what is about to happen and how drastically my life will change. I am so nervous and anxious about it all. I have always been overweight. I don't remember ever wearing anything smaller than a size 10. I am used to being a fat girl. how will life be when I am no longer fat? how will life be when I cant feed my emotions with food? how will life be as a mother? how will I be as a nurse? I have asked myself these questions over the years. I was made fun of a lot as a child for being fat. Over the years My personality developed as a defense mechanism. I used to let people's comments hurt me. But after awhile I could let it slide. I learned to be open about my issues and make comments and jokes about myself, that way I beat the mean girls to the punch. I am scared that my personality might change. I used to use the excuse that the reason I did not want to lose weight was that I was afraid my personality would change. I like me.. I like me just as I am. I still want to be happy and carefree, I still want to live my life not walking on eggshells in fear that I will hurt someone's feelings. I still want to be the me that everyone knows. But is that person really me?  Who am I? I am going to have to figure that out.... 
     My biggest issue this week was when I realized that OMG I have a child, and what if something happens and I die?  This is one of the challenges of being a single mother. I don't have a husband that will automatically take over, Noah does not have a dad that is active in his life. Instead he has a father that requested before he was ever born, to not be sent pictures. He has a father that ignored all communication from the courts about child support and establishing paternity, until the courts automatically deemed him the father by default. So now here I am with a court document that says he is the father of my child, and by law if something were to happen to me, the non-custodial parent will be given custody. I honestly feel as if this were presented to him, he would send Noah to foster care. The thought of my baby boy being taken care of by a stranger makes my heart hurt. That little boy is my life, from the moment I found out I was pregnant with him, I no longer took a breath for myself, they have all been for him. Every decision I have made has been for him. It does hurt me that such a precious beautiful child is rejected by someone who help create him. I will never understand, but, God does.. And he has had my back all along, and he will continue to. I had some documents made and notarized showing my intent for Noah would be to go to guardians that I have specifically named. I do understand the likelyhood of me dieing is slim. I just wanted to have peace of mind that my life would be left in good hands. 
     Well, it is almost midnight and no eating or drinking for me.. So I better go and eat a Popsicle and take my meds with lots of water... Thanks again for taking the time to care enough about me to pray for me. Noah and I truly appreciate everything! I will most likely not get to write in the blog tomorrow. But I will post on Facebook as soon as I can about how my surgery went... And of course that I am alive and get to see the sunshine on my baby's face for many years to come... Goodnight folks!