In the beginning

Wow is the only word that came to my mind when I saw the scale read 302lbs! I did as anyone would do and looked down to make sure nothing else was on the scale..lol! There was no possible way I weighed that much! But of course there was nothing and I was faced with reality! I have let myself be over 300 lbs. So much emotion surfaced in that moment! How? Why? What happened? When did it get this bad? I was forced to realize that my relationship with food was one that had taken over me. It had taken over and consumed my very existence. After a lot of reflection on my eating habits and food choices, it all stems from the beginning. The beginning of my life!
      I was my mothers 7th pregnancy. She gave birth to Paula and had five miscarriages. She did not receive prenatal care with me until she was 7 months pregnant and for the first few months she did not even know she was pregnant. I was born two weeks late and came into the world butt first! My feet were both turned in toward my body. They put my shoes on the wrong feet to correct them. At about 9 or ten years old my feet started to turn back toward my body. On February 12, 1992 I had surgery to correct my feet. I was at Shriners hospital in Lexington. They broke all of the bones in my feet and straightened them and Placed pins. I was in a wheelchair with cast for six weeks. Then I was in walking cast for an additional 8 weeks. At the age of 17 I developed a cyst on my butt. Again it had to be surgically removed. A few months later the incision never healed. Found out there was a second cyst and yet again another surgery. When I left the appointment that day, I looked at my mom totally joking and said" geez mom... It is all of those drugs you did when you were pregnant with me" her response was" Beth, I didn't know I was pregnant" as she begin to cry. My mother babied me so badly. She gave me anything and everything I wanted when it came to food. She comforted me with food all the time. That is all she could do to show her love. We were poor so there was rarely a trip to the movies or shopping just because. It took me years to realize that my mother blamed herself for all of my health issues, which is why she babied me as much as she did. I do not blame my mom for my weight. She did what she knew how to do. She loved me unconditionally and never allowed me to live one second of my life without knowing how much she loves me.
     While my childhood started my relationship with food, my adult life took it to another level. I didn't care honestly. I was always full of life. I always had a smile on my face. I never let my size stand in the way of trying something. I went to flight attendant school and as I accepted my award for having the highest GPA in the class I made the statement " I may be wearing the largest size uniform available, but I am here and I did it! If I did not fit in a ride at an amusement park, I had a team to help me. I would sit and maneuver my boobs to where they were pretty much on top of each other in that little hole in the middle of the shoulder harness. Tony and Justin would help me. One would push the shoulder harness down as far as it would go while the other buckled the belt! There was no reason for me to lose weight. I was healthy and fine! My eating and size had never got me down so why stop! My eating became completely out of control. I would eat whatever and whenever. Sometimes consuming 5,000 calories a day. Over the years I just gradually got bigger. A few times I lost 50 lbs here and there but always gave in and regained the weight. My relationship with food was a solid one. Food never disappointed me. It never cheated on me. It never deserted me. It never chose drugs over me. It never left me. Food was always there for me, whenever I needed it. Eating became my way of coping with my issues. Food is my drug...
     I weighed 294 at my first prenatal appointment with Noah. I lost down to 287 throughout my pregnancy. After I had him I got down to 265. Since I had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant, after I had Noah.... I carbed it up! 10 fried potstickers for a snack, pizza all the time, chips, ice cream, and we cannot forget Mac n cheese at least 4 nights a week. Right before the wreck I weighed myself and was back up to 295. Now that was 30 lbs I gained in less than three months! After the wreck I lost down to 265 again. I mean I could not be needy about food when someone else was feeding me. Once I got home to Kentucky and begin life, it all came back!
     So why the change now? Well number one is my son. He needs me to be alive. He needs me to run a football field with him. He needs me to create a healthy environment for him to strive in... Bottom line he needs me. The second reason is my injuries I sustained from the wreck. Yes I am walking just fine and that is what everyone sees. At night when I get home and sit for a minute, I can barley move when I get up. My hip and back hurt me every single day. I can't get in the floor to play with my kiddo very easily. Between the 300 lbs of weight and two wrist that don't have full movement, I have difficulties. Things have to change and they have to change NOW!
     This leads me to the reason I created this blog in the first place. I am scheduled to have gastric sleeve surgery done on July 25th. I came to the decision to seek surgery about 10 months ago. I had to follow a  6 month diet, go through a whole bunch of tests and many many doctor appointments. But here I am today beginning my 2 week pre-op diet consisting of high protein, low fat, and very low carb foods. I am very excited about a lot of things but also very nervous. My wreck showed me that I am capable of anything I set my mind too.
     I will continue you to write about my journey as I go along. I have a consult with the surgeon on Tuesday and I will have the final details at that point. Please just keep Noah and I in your prayers!