Protein is NOT my friend

     This past week has been a little bit better for me overall. I received a sample pack of protein. I also purchased something called PB2 which is a powdered peanut butter that has 85% less calories than regular peanut butter. I used some of the samples I bought. I tried chocolate with the PB2 and the vanilla with the PB2. Both I mixed with skim milk. Each shake has 231 calories and 34 grams of protein. Since I can only digest 25 grams of protein at once. I split this into two sittings. I have also tried refried beans with salsa. Deviled eggs and of course my soups. I have still yet to have any nausea from foods. On average I am consuming about 400-600 calories a day. 

     I am not getting in the recommended amount of protein per day. My goal is 70-100 grams a day. Once I am able to eat meat, I think this will get easier. Until then I have to drink as many protein shakes as possible. Which is a lot of money for the good stuff! Drinking from a straw is not recommended, but I ask my PA if it was ok. She told me to proceed with caution. Having the straw makes it a heck of a lot easier to consume the shakes and the 64 ounces of fluids I am required to take in daily! 

     The hardest thing about this all is that I am not hungry...ever! So I have to force myself to drink and eat all the time. I was so excited to eat the refried beans. The first bite was amazing... Then after the third, I was done. Which these were small bites. When I am eating the more solid foods I can only consume a very small amount. Not that I feel full, because not sure you can feel full if you were never hungry to begin with. But just don't want to eat. 

     I went to a potluck the other day with my co-workers. I made chicken enchiladas, rice and beans. There was a ton of food there! I fixed Noah a plate and fed him all of the things I knew he would eat. He ate enchiladas, rice, corn and black bean salsa, watermelon, deviled eggs, potato salad, and fried chicken. While looking at the food on this plate in front of me, I had absolutely no desire to eat any of it. I ate a deviled egg and a few small bites of watermelon, but that was only because I knew I needed to eat something and that was the only thing there I could eat. I have cooked for Noah and again, have no desire to eat anything. 

     Now when I see a papa johns or Pizza Hut sign, my mouth does water for a quick second and for a moment I think, that would taste so good. But it quickly passes. I think I am starting to grasp the importance of the food I choose to eat. I look for protein, protein, protein. If I have to eat, it has to be protein. 

     I have joined the YMCA. I have looked at the schedule of classes and that is what I will start off with. Yes I know water aerobics is typically for old people that have joint issues, but I enjoy it. It is a low impact exercise that does get your heart going. I do have joint pain, so this is ideal for me. I will also plan to do the Zumba classes. I know it will be fun and I also know it is a workout for sure. I have another week of "taking it easy" so no Zumba until then. I will leave school, go get Noah, go to the gym and drip him off in child watch and workout for 1-2 hours. So this will leave me maybe an hour with my son most days. Which totally totally sucks! But, this is only for now.... If I get in shape and lose this weight we will be able to do a lot more together later on in life, when he can remember it and enjoy it! 

     Thanks again to everyone that is supporting me through this journey. Writing in this blog helps me a lot. Just keep praying for us! School starts back  in a week! At that point I will be full force into my routine. I won't have a lot of time to blog or visit with anyone. That is the life of a nursing student in general, but then you add that I am a single mom and going through this weight loss, I will be virtually invisible. So if you want to talk or visit, meet me at the gym! 

Tears

     It seems as if it has been forever since I have posted something! So much can happen in just a few days. I have had ups and downs this first week post-op. Alot of self-reflection has happened.

     Protein is not my friend. Most everything I have tasted is completely disgusting and I would puke before I got through a whole serving. I am still consuming the protein shots. They are little 3oz bottles of fruit punch flavored syrup that has 26 grams of protein. I drink three of those a day. I chase them with crystal light fruit punch. I have ordered some samples of more fruity protein and some unflavored. Hopefully, I find something that I can tolerate. 

     I had a melt down on Wednesday. I went to purchase some protein shakes from GNC. I am greeted by this 6'2" guy, who obviously works out to build muscle. We attempted a convo about protein. He had no clue what I was going through and what I needed. I walked out with his suggestion and it was gross. Got home and after a week with no food, no ADHD meds and other stresses with my apartment, I lost it. I began to cry and had no control. All i really wanted to do was eat a pizza and did not even care if my stomach exploded. It was then I realized that normally I would have just eaten food and said screw this..I am eating whatever I want. I don't have food anymore. Food cannot be my comfort. I have to search for another outlet. My mom came over and again I cried some more. This is the weirdest felling in the world. I am not hungry, I don't have a desire to eat food. I would be completely satisfied with drinking nothing but water all day. I know that I have to take in protein though, so it is almost like I am having to force myself to eat. Which is completely opposite of my entire life. 

     The next day was much better. I went to my one week post-op appointment and had lost 13 lbs since surgery. So obviously I realized that my struggles were worth it and paying off. I got a clean report and have my one month on August 20th. I then found out that some miracles happened with our housing situation. Noah and I will most likely be moving into a two bedroom apartment with a dishwasher, central air, and a washer and dryer hook-up, all of which we do not have now. I was brought to tears again, but they were happy ones. 

     Today we went to Super Saturday at KET. This is our local PBS station. I got tired a little and had to take some meds but overall did rather well. Noah had an absolute blast. I knew that everyone else was going to want to get some food, so i had tried to prepare myself. Once I knew we were headed to a restaurant, for the first time i felt hungry. Which again another connection was made. My body was not physically hungry but my mind was starving. We then went to eat at a restaurant named Ramsey's. Emma's choice of course. I had never eaten there. I ordered a bowl of beef and mushroom soup. In which I only ate a few teaspoons of broth because it was too chunky. Noah had chicken n dumplins and I ate some broth from those. My mom had soup beans and I had a few bites of the soup. She also had some fried corn. Which was cut off the cob and fried with bacon and bacon grease... Between that and the pot roast and cornbread sticks.. I was a little jealous that I could not try it. I did well though. Normally I would have ordered half the menu because I would have wanted to try it all... Especially the Parmesan crusted deep friend corn on the cob! 

     I know the next few weeks are going to be a struggle for me mentally. I am excited to actually chew food and eat an egg! LOL I know once I am able to eat food, getting my protein won't be as much of a struggle. Until then I expect a few more melt downs. On the other hand I don't want to eat because I am losing weight. I just have to find the balance. I have bought some frozen Greek yogurt and it tasted like rotten milk. I am willing to try anything again. I just know that I need to make better choices for food and choose the ones that are going to get me the most protein. I will be looking into gym memberships next week.  Hopefully I can stay committed to an exercise program. It will be key to my weight loss.

     I have started to think more about my life as a smaller person. I saw a zip line tour on the way home and said to Noah.. We will be able to do that. Next summer I can go on a boat and not worry about how I am going to get back in after jumping in the lake. I am looking forward to being an active mom with Noah. Who knows we may eventually run a 5k together! 

Surgery

     I am finally to a point where I can communicate with people without falling asleep. Surgery went well. They took me back at 1pm and surgery started at 1:20. I was sent to PACU at 3pm. My mom spoke with Dr. Weiss. He said my liver was a little bit larger than what he would have preffered but it was just fine. He also removed some polyps he found during my EGD. I don't remember much. I remember wakin up in my room with my mom and Aunt Brenda there. I remember my mom trying to touch me and look at my incisions. Apparently I yelled at her.. To get away. I was only allowed to have a small styrofoam cup with water the rest of the day. Now they made me swallow pills with that water. I complained of pain and they brought me liquid loratab.... which was disgusting! I could not even finish it. From that point on I recieved IV moraphine which was much better.  I have five small stitches on the upper part of my tummy. Four of them are across the top and the fifth is to the side a little. No stitches or steri strips... just skin glue. I also had a Q Ball for pain. basically this is a ball that has pain meds in it. The meds slowly disperse in my abdomen through tiny little tubes. Pretty cool I thought.  I distinctly remember being extremely thirsty! The first night I was restless. I bothered the poor CNA to walk me in the middle of the night. I was attached to an IV pole so it was not like I could do it alone. They took labs and BP checks.. You know how it is. Once you finally get to sleep you get woke up! Lol 

     The next morning they took me down to do an upper GI to check and see if I had any leaks in my staple line. I had to drink that nasty barium crap and almost threw up! No leaks! Doctor came in to see me and apparently when he walked in the room my heart started having irregular heartbeats. He left the room to ask the nurse to capture it. While he was gone my heart was normal and when he came back it did it again. I am not sure if I mentioned how incredibly good looking my surgeon is! I made the joke to my nurses later on that when he walked into the room it made my heart flutter...lol. He decided to keep me another night. A cardio doc came into see me and said I was asymptomatic and a lot of people have these and they don't even know it. He said there was most likely a scar at the base of my heart that was as small as a pin hole that probably developed earlier in life from maybe a virus I had. Either way he said I was fine and I should not worry too much until I become symptomatic. 

     They started me on "a bag of vitamins" that contained a ton. Also a multivitamin and my other stuff. After the bag of vitamins ran through my IV, I got to go saline lock and I was rid of my IV pole. I was a free bird then! Every time I got up to go to the bathroom I also took a walk. I had no trouble starting my clear liquid diet. At first all I would drink was the protein shots and water. Then I added some lemonade. I had to keep reminding myself to take small sips. No nausea so I was doing very well.

     The second night was still very restless. After a walk at 3am my nurse payed me a visit asking if I was ok. I told her I could not sleep. She came back with some Ativan and diladid. I got a few hours of sleep, I mean who wouldn't with those meds. I woke up feeling a little more refreshed. Again no problems with nausea. Doc paid me a visit and said that his theory was that my potassium levels were a little low the day before and he thinks that is why my heart was acting funny. I of course told him my theory about him being so freakin good looking... He snickered and said that I obviously did not have my glasses on. I got released with a potassium supplement, Prilosec, pain meds and the rest of my vitamins.

     Saturday and Sunday I stayed at moms to sleep in her recliner. I have been able to add propel zero water, crystal light, chicken and beef broth, apple juice, fruit punch and Popsicles with no problem. I have accidentally taken a bigger sip by accident a few times, does not bother me really. Just kind of feels like I have an air bubble in my esophagus and I have to wait for it to pass. I can hear and feel it gurgle. Today we ventured to Walmart and I walked with the Cart to get what we needed. Mom and Emma helped bathe Noah and put him to bed. We are home tonight and I am totally excited about sleeping in my bed! Noah has his 18 month checkup tomorrow. Mom is gonna pick us up for that and then Noah is off to daycare while nana drops mommy off a little while at work. 

     Overall I am feeling better every day. I have my one week follow up on Thursday. I have had no cravings and could care less about food. No temptation to put any of it in my mouth. My stomach has not growled since before surgery. Which is a weird feeling. My mom had not stopped cooking for herself. Watching her eat did not bother me. She made some chicken with Italian dressing and that smelled awful. And the bacon incident this morning. I don't care if you are a fatty or not I have never met one person that could pass up bacon after smelling it cook! So I was a little irritated about that. Not that I wanted to eat it. I just thought she should have considered my position prior to cooking it. I figure I am doing pretty well. My nurse told me that she has had patients ask if they could just lick their wife's coke can? so yeah I am a champ so far... lol. 

     I have been a little hateful today. It is a culmination of things. My body is going through complete withdrawal from food. I am consuming maybe 400 calories a day all in clear liquid form. I also have not taken my Ritalin for a few days. So my level of irritation is up. And the obvious I don't feel well. I can't take care of my son 100% and that bothers me. 

     Again thanks to everyone for the post, phone calls, text messages and comments. Noah did get to viit with me for a short while in pre-op and a little while the night of my surgery. I think he was confused. he jept looking at me and all of the things that were attached to me. he also kept trying to crawl in the bed with me. My sis decided to keep him at a distance until i got him back at home. Noah and I are truly blessed to have such a fantastic network of friends and family across this entire country! Please continue to pray for me. Surgery was the easy part. I am going to be going through a ton of transitions over the next few months. My mind will never be the same and neither will my body. I will give you guys an update after my follow-up on Thursday! Love you all!

Emotions

     As I sit here waiting to rub my abdomen down with surgical prep wipes, I figured I would spill a few emotions. This past few days have been really rough for me emotionally. I am coming to terms with what is about to happen and how drastically my life will change. I am so nervous and anxious about it all. I have always been overweight. I don't remember ever wearing anything smaller than a size 10. I am used to being a fat girl. how will life be when I am no longer fat? how will life be when I cant feed my emotions with food? how will life be as a mother? how will I be as a nurse? I have asked myself these questions over the years. I was made fun of a lot as a child for being fat. Over the years My personality developed as a defense mechanism. I used to let people's comments hurt me. But after awhile I could let it slide. I learned to be open about my issues and make comments and jokes about myself, that way I beat the mean girls to the punch. I am scared that my personality might change. I used to use the excuse that the reason I did not want to lose weight was that I was afraid my personality would change. I like me.. I like me just as I am. I still want to be happy and carefree, I still want to live my life not walking on eggshells in fear that I will hurt someone's feelings. I still want to be the me that everyone knows. But is that person really me?  Who am I? I am going to have to figure that out.... 
     My biggest issue this week was when I realized that OMG I have a child, and what if something happens and I die?  This is one of the challenges of being a single mother. I don't have a husband that will automatically take over, Noah does not have a dad that is active in his life. Instead he has a father that requested before he was ever born, to not be sent pictures. He has a father that ignored all communication from the courts about child support and establishing paternity, until the courts automatically deemed him the father by default. So now here I am with a court document that says he is the father of my child, and by law if something were to happen to me, the non-custodial parent will be given custody. I honestly feel as if this were presented to him, he would send Noah to foster care. The thought of my baby boy being taken care of by a stranger makes my heart hurt. That little boy is my life, from the moment I found out I was pregnant with him, I no longer took a breath for myself, they have all been for him. Every decision I have made has been for him. It does hurt me that such a precious beautiful child is rejected by someone who help create him. I will never understand, but, God does.. And he has had my back all along, and he will continue to. I had some documents made and notarized showing my intent for Noah would be to go to guardians that I have specifically named. I do understand the likelyhood of me dieing is slim. I just wanted to have peace of mind that my life would be left in good hands. 
     Well, it is almost midnight and no eating or drinking for me.. So I better go and eat a Popsicle and take my meds with lots of water... Thanks again for taking the time to care enough about me to pray for me. Noah and I truly appreciate everything! I will most likely not get to write in the blog tomorrow. But I will post on Facebook as soon as I can about how my surgery went... And of course that I am alive and get to see the sunshine on my baby's face for many years to come... Goodnight folks! 

This and That

     Well I am at the laundromat doing laundry because my moms washing machine broke! So I figured I would just write a little about the last week and a half.
     My diet has had it's highs and lows, but for the most part I am doing rather well. A typical weekday consist of a protein shake and a teaspoon of peanut butter for breakfast. Some turkey for lunch and for dinner I will have some sort of meat(dbl portion) and either green beans, snow peas with mushrooms and yes I even ate broccoli one night. For snacks it is beef jerky, almonds, peanuts and sometimes pork rinds. I also purchased some sugar free Popsicles in case I get a sweet tooth. I have been using the my fitness app and recording all of my food. On a normal day with no cheats I am consuming about 125 grams of protein and 25 grams of carbs and about 1100 calories. 
     I have ventured and tried a few new things. I bought a spring mix/ spinach salad mix and did not like it. The broccoli I roasted in the oven with olive oil, salt, pepper and minced garlic. When it came out I sprinkled Parmesan cheese on it... Yes it was quite yummy. Also tried some propel zero and it is not bad. Sugar free Popsicles and jello are something I would have never eaten before. Again not that bad.
     I am not really having a craving for any particular food(which is shocking) my worst day for craving was the day of our family reunion. I took my own food because I knew that there would not be one thing I could eat. But seeing the carb loaded tables and all of my family eating it, made me want to ravish everything... Especially the lemon cake.. Mom and I went to the store afterwards and I looked at every flippin box of cookies to check how many carbs. All of them were loaded... Sugar free or not. That night I had my first cheat... The jelly beans!
     What I have had the most trouble with is eating out. While I know that a steak and broccoli is a better choice, I don't make that choice. I cheated really bad that day with the pizza and I did have another cheat, but no where near as bad. the protein was still very high.As long as I have food with me at all times I don't get hungry enough that I see a sonic or ocharleys sign makes my mouth drool. This is something I am going to struggle with. I will tackle it a little at a time. They say that bread, pasta and rice swell in your stomach and will make you throw up. I am hoping for just that very thing to happen. I want to eat some Mac n cheese and I hurl big time, in hopes that I won't eat it anymore. 
     I have a lot of things to do this week. I am sure Thursday will be here before I know it. I have already put my vitamins in my granny med keeper. I have also purchased my protein shots($50) that I have to take the first week. Hoping my house stays as clean as possible. With Noah's impeccable ability to throw a peach or pear or chicken the length of a football field, my floor always has something on it... Lol. I have to be at the hospital at 9:30 am on Thursday. My surgery is scheduled for 11:30. Hopefully it will only be an overnight stay. It will be at Central Baptist Hospital in Lexington. 
     In the past week I have also been informed that if I can find something affordable that Noah and I will be able to move to a two bedroom, with central AC, dishwasher and washer and dryer(all of which we do not have now). Big things in the Kidd house... Well about to be one less big thing in the house... Me that is! Please just keep us in your prayers. Please pray that everything goes according to Gods plan. Cause I have learned that his plan... Is the only plan that will ever work! 

One week down... One to go!

    Well I have made it through my first official week of my low carb diet. It was not easy and I am sure inquiring minds want to know.... Yes I totally cheated! Only on two occasions though. Once with 3 jelly beans( starburst ones.. You all know they are awesome) the second cheat was a bad cheat and I am almost too embarrassed to admit it. I caved in and ate pizza... I am sure none of you are surprised at all. 

     I went to the consult with my surgeon on Tuesday. I weighed in at 286 lbs. the previous Tuesday I weighed in at 297. So I lost 11 lbs this past week. The surgeon spoke of a few key words that lead to my cheat... He said he did not care if I we gained weight, just as long as we ate low carbs. The key to me cheating was when he said..." This diet of high protein and no carbs is only for a week"... I thought a week? All of the literature we have been given not only suggest a full meal replacement but it be done two weeks in advance! Well heck... I am 9 days out. So that led me to my car and to Old Chicago where I enjoyed a pizza and yes. I blew it out the water with a cookie too! I consumed a total of 230 carbs in one sitting! Now before I would do that daily if not every meal... But this time, I felt so awful afterwards I cried. That pizza and cookie tasted more amazing than I ever remember, but for the first time I felt guilty for eating. So today I have consumed a total of 26 carbs and 131 grams of protein, which is much better. I am hoping that I can hold out without cheating until next Wednesday.

     I go for my pre-admin testing on Tuesday, Wednesday I will be on a clear diet and I report at 7am on Thursday for surgery. The next week will be hectic. Trying to get Noah's things together to stay with his Aunt Paula while I recover. Cleaning my house(yuck) and making sure everything is in order.

    I am totally ready for this to happen. I am anxious and of course nervous. Just because I don't know what to expect. I am sure the next week will fly by... Please keep praying for us!

     

In the beginning

Wow is the only word that came to my mind when I saw the scale read 302lbs! I did as anyone would do and looked down to make sure nothing else was on the scale..lol! There was no possible way I weighed that much! But of course there was nothing and I was faced with reality! I have let myself be over 300 lbs. So much emotion surfaced in that moment! How? Why? What happened? When did it get this bad? I was forced to realize that my relationship with food was one that had taken over me. It had taken over and consumed my very existence. After a lot of reflection on my eating habits and food choices, it all stems from the beginning. The beginning of my life!
      I was my mothers 7th pregnancy. She gave birth to Paula and had five miscarriages. She did not receive prenatal care with me until she was 7 months pregnant and for the first few months she did not even know she was pregnant. I was born two weeks late and came into the world butt first! My feet were both turned in toward my body. They put my shoes on the wrong feet to correct them. At about 9 or ten years old my feet started to turn back toward my body. On February 12, 1992 I had surgery to correct my feet. I was at Shriners hospital in Lexington. They broke all of the bones in my feet and straightened them and Placed pins. I was in a wheelchair with cast for six weeks. Then I was in walking cast for an additional 8 weeks. At the age of 17 I developed a cyst on my butt. Again it had to be surgically removed. A few months later the incision never healed. Found out there was a second cyst and yet again another surgery. When I left the appointment that day, I looked at my mom totally joking and said" geez mom... It is all of those drugs you did when you were pregnant with me" her response was" Beth, I didn't know I was pregnant" as she begin to cry. My mother babied me so badly. She gave me anything and everything I wanted when it came to food. She comforted me with food all the time. That is all she could do to show her love. We were poor so there was rarely a trip to the movies or shopping just because. It took me years to realize that my mother blamed herself for all of my health issues, which is why she babied me as much as she did. I do not blame my mom for my weight. She did what she knew how to do. She loved me unconditionally and never allowed me to live one second of my life without knowing how much she loves me.
     While my childhood started my relationship with food, my adult life took it to another level. I didn't care honestly. I was always full of life. I always had a smile on my face. I never let my size stand in the way of trying something. I went to flight attendant school and as I accepted my award for having the highest GPA in the class I made the statement " I may be wearing the largest size uniform available, but I am here and I did it! If I did not fit in a ride at an amusement park, I had a team to help me. I would sit and maneuver my boobs to where they were pretty much on top of each other in that little hole in the middle of the shoulder harness. Tony and Justin would help me. One would push the shoulder harness down as far as it would go while the other buckled the belt! There was no reason for me to lose weight. I was healthy and fine! My eating and size had never got me down so why stop! My eating became completely out of control. I would eat whatever and whenever. Sometimes consuming 5,000 calories a day. Over the years I just gradually got bigger. A few times I lost 50 lbs here and there but always gave in and regained the weight. My relationship with food was a solid one. Food never disappointed me. It never cheated on me. It never deserted me. It never chose drugs over me. It never left me. Food was always there for me, whenever I needed it. Eating became my way of coping with my issues. Food is my drug...
     I weighed 294 at my first prenatal appointment with Noah. I lost down to 287 throughout my pregnancy. After I had him I got down to 265. Since I had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant, after I had Noah.... I carbed it up! 10 fried potstickers for a snack, pizza all the time, chips, ice cream, and we cannot forget Mac n cheese at least 4 nights a week. Right before the wreck I weighed myself and was back up to 295. Now that was 30 lbs I gained in less than three months! After the wreck I lost down to 265 again. I mean I could not be needy about food when someone else was feeding me. Once I got home to Kentucky and begin life, it all came back!
     So why the change now? Well number one is my son. He needs me to be alive. He needs me to run a football field with him. He needs me to create a healthy environment for him to strive in... Bottom line he needs me. The second reason is my injuries I sustained from the wreck. Yes I am walking just fine and that is what everyone sees. At night when I get home and sit for a minute, I can barley move when I get up. My hip and back hurt me every single day. I can't get in the floor to play with my kiddo very easily. Between the 300 lbs of weight and two wrist that don't have full movement, I have difficulties. Things have to change and they have to change NOW!
     This leads me to the reason I created this blog in the first place. I am scheduled to have gastric sleeve surgery done on July 25th. I came to the decision to seek surgery about 10 months ago. I had to follow a  6 month diet, go through a whole bunch of tests and many many doctor appointments. But here I am today beginning my 2 week pre-op diet consisting of high protein, low fat, and very low carb foods. I am very excited about a lot of things but also very nervous. My wreck showed me that I am capable of anything I set my mind too.
     I will continue you to write about my journey as I go along. I have a consult with the surgeon on Tuesday and I will have the final details at that point. Please just keep Noah and I in your prayers!